"I'm world famous now. Press won't leave me alone."
- Human Error
"Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?"
- Human Error
"The patient's husband prefers her not dead."
- Human Error
"The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat."
- The Jerk
"You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn on."
- The Jerk
"Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours."
- The Jerk
"Personally, I can't believe I had the same three employees for three years."
- Resignation
"He can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can he, Foreman?"
- Resignation
Wilson: "Oh God, she's 26."
House: "But with the wisdom of a much younger woman."
- Resignation
"Ha! Nothing like a dead patient to send you back to your choir boy roots."
- Family
"The only value of that trust is that you can manipulate them."
- Family
"That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care."
- Family
"Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult."
- House Training
"First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'"
- House Training
"If you need absolution, go to a priest. Or give alms to the poor."
- House Training
"I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five.'"
- Act Your Age
"Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186."
- Act Your Age
"Never is just reven spelled backwards."
- Act Your Age
"Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?"
- Act Your Age
"It may have been short, but it had girth."
- Airborne
"Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking forward to landing this puppy myself."
- Airborne
"Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. Now it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?"
- Airborne
"Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty."
- Fetal Position
"Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time."
- Fetal Position
"No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."
- Fetal Position
"Even fetuses lie."
- Fetal Position
"I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy."
- Top Secret
"And find out the truth about who he's been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet."
- Top Secret
"Better be careful. I have a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it."
- Top Secret
"Just because it's inexplicted doesn't mean it's inexplicable."
- Half Wit
"Sorry. Didn't mean to offend your specialty."
- Half Wit
"Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?"
- Half Wit
"If you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish."
- Half Wit
"Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."
- Insensitive
"I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous."
- Insensitive
"Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra."
- Insensitive
"The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief."
- Needle in a Haystack
"Hey, you can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair."
- Needle in a Haystack
"You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."
- Needle in a Haystack
"My life is just one horror after another."
- Needle in a Haystack
Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."
- One Day, One Room
"You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?"
- One Day, One Room
"If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."
- One Day, One Room
"If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D."
- Words and Deeds
"When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."
- Words and Deeds
"Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now."
- Words and Deeds
"I told you never to call me when I'm on trial."
- Words and Deeds
Tritter: "Merry Christmas."
House: "Happy go to hell."
- Merry Little Christmas
"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."
- Merry Little Christmas
"Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues."
- Merry Little Christmas
"This thing won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'Weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest."
- Finding Judas
"If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills."
- Finding Judas
"Good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!"
- Finding Judas
"Party of Five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day."
- Whac-A-Mole
Cameron:"You okay?"
House:"Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football." - Whac-A-Mole
"Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay."
- Whac-A-Mole
"There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry."
- Son of Coma Guy
"Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."
- Son of Coma Guy
"Quick, what's the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron."
- Son of Coma Guy
"Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die."
- Son of Coma Guy
"Is Salma Hayek from Mexico or Spain?"
- Que Sera Sera
"Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property."
- Que Sera Sera
"It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?"
- Que Sera Sera
"You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty."
- Fools For Love
"Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."
- Fools For Love
"Twenty-year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often."
- Fools For Love
Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
House: "Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"
- Lines in the Sand
"Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."
- Lines in the Sand
House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up."
Cuddy: "I'm ovulating. Let's go."
House: "The frisky, it went away."
- Lines in the Sand
"Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools."
- Informed Consent
"Somehow I just can't imagine you taking a Jell-O shot."
- Informed Consent
"I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad."
- Informed Consent
"I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made."
- Informed Consent
"Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics."
- Cane and Able
"The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name."
- Cane and Able
"She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."
- Cane and Able
"Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head."
-Cane and Able
Cuddy: "Why did you."
House: "Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?"
- Meaning
"Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?"
- Meaning
Cameron: "You're lucky he didn't die."
House: "I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die."
- Meaning
